You Know I Can't Love
by hey-elle
Summary: Katniss must deal with the after effects of the Games alone. Set after Hunger Games and before Catching Fire. Songfic based on Love, Love, Love by Of Monsters and Men.


_Well maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away._

She didn't understand how it had even happened. There were absolutely zero reasons to love her. Wasn't there any of the town girls much more qualified than her for this kind of theft? She'd steal to survive but this was not something she needed to steal. And now that she had it, she didn't know what to do with it.

_Yeah maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it. _

If there was one thing worse than stealing his heart, it was hurting it. She wasn't good with these things. She wasn't a nurturing or kind person. All she knew was how to survive and she'd use any means to do that. She hadn't meant to use him like this, but instinct overtook her and now he was hurt. Alive but hurt.

_Yeah maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad person. Well, baby I know. _

It was only to be expected. She'd done a lot of things she wasn't proud of. Killing people, to name just one. Why did he expect her to be anything other than that? A killer. She didn't know why he thought she was anything more. Maybe unless you added thief. But she hadn't meant to steal that.

_And these fingertips will never run through your skin. _

She pushed him away because it was the only thing she could think to do. Pushed him away and shut him out and hoped he'd get over it. She didn't keep people close unless she absolutely had to. She didn't need him with her. She just couldn't deny that she wanted him with her. At night, when the nightmares plagued her, she thought of him. She thought of how reassuring his presence had been in the arena – a solid warmth behind her when they shared the sleeping bag. She thought of his calm even breathing that had been her lullaby through the long nights. He had been so comforting even unconsciously. At least, she thought, she'd been able to return the favor in some small measure. She thought of his skin, warm beneath her fingertips, and how she would stroke his hair and bathe his forehead when his feverish dreams beset him. At least she had given him that. But never again.

_And those bright blue can only meet mine across a room filled with people less important than you._

She'd see him as he came and went from his house in the Victor's Village. Sometimes she'd see him as she did her rounds of shopping. He'd be there, across the street, doing his own shopping and suddenly, without realizing it, they were staring at each other. People flowed between them, around them and she ignored them all for the space of several heartbeats. Because none of those people knew what she'd been through. Not her mother or Prim. Not Gale. Peeta was the only one who knew what it felt like and sometimes that's all she needed was to see it in his eyes. The pain and sorrow that reflected her own. Silent testimony to the unassailable bond between them that made her know he would be with her through anything.

_You love, love, love when you know I can't love. _

And then she would turn away from those beautiful blue eyes and try and stop the flush of shame. He loved her. He loved her so much, he would do anything. She saw it in his eyes. She tasted it in the bread he unfailingly left on their doorstep. She heard it in the sounds of him shoveling as he cleared a pathway to the street for them. She felt it in her heart. He loved her. But she couldn't love him. Not like that. Not how he wanted.

_So I think it's best we both forget before we dwell on it. _

There was one time. They had run into each other at the gate to the Victor's Village. "Hi, Katniss."

"Hi, Peeta," she'd nodded.

"How's your mom and Prim?"

"Doing well. How's your family?"

"They're good."

Silence.

"Well, I should probably get back. Prim's waiting for these," she held up the groceries.

Peeta nodded and she started to walk away but he stopped her. A hand on her arm. "Katniss, wait." She stopped and didn't look at him. "Why do you shut me out?"

"You remind me of the arena," she said, honestly. "And I would rather just forget it all." She didn't really want to forget. She just wanted to forget him and his love. How it had saved them both. She didn't want to be in his debt. But she could find no way to repay it.

"I'm sorry." He walked away and didn't say anything.

_The way you held me so tight all through the night 'til it was near morning. _

Every night, the nightmares crowded her mind. They never failed. But sometimes, in her dreams, a pair of arms would wrap themselves around her and she'd relax. She never saw the person but she knew who it was. There could be no one else. No one who held her with such love. No one whose love had saved her.


End file.
